I Only Want to Be Shangguan Yunying

Every single virtue, he remembered.

Every single detail, he remembered.

Every single word, he meant with all his heart.

It wasn’t that I was sincere back then—it's that I am still sincere now.

He had always been sincere. She just never noticed.

Shangguan Yunying sat in Gu Chengyin’s embrace, listening as he counted her virtues one by one, and her tears fell one drop at a time.

Every line, every sentence, every word—not one was wrong.

Shangguan Yunying remembered it all too clearly. The more she regretted it now, the clearer every detail of that night became.

But what she hadn’t expected was that Gu Chengyin remembered it just as vividly.

Not only did he remember the words he had spoken to her, even the tone and the voice were nearly identical.

He loved me so deeply.

Yet I didn’t choose him.

Why?

Why had she been so foolish back then?

Why hadn’t she seized such a perfect opportunity?

Shangguan Yunying’s fingers clenched inside her sleeve until her knuckles turned white, and her lips were pressed so tightly that they lost all color.

She stood like a frail sapling that had weathered wind and rain for a long time—swaying, but its roots still gripping the soil, refusing to fall.

She didn’t know how long she had wept, or how long Gu Chengyin had spoken.

She only knew that when Gu Chengyin finished, her tears were still falling, yet her heart held no more grievance or panic.

Only something so warm it made her want to cry and laugh at the same time.

Gu Chengyin ended with the same conclusion he had made that night at the Shangguan residence, word for word.

“I believe that any normal man, if he spends enough time with you, would find it hard not to grow fond of you, or even to admire you—unless he is blind and heartless, or simply not a man at all.”

This time, Shangguan Yunying did not reply. She merely gazed at Gu Chengyin with gentle affection, the love in her eyes so thick it seemed ready to spill over.

Like a cup filled to the very brim, surface tension stretched to its limit—one more drop and it would overflow.

Her eyes curved into crescent moons, the corners of her mouth lifted high, and her entire face radiated four big words: I am so happy. She couldn’t hide it even if she tried.

Her fingers loosened from their clenched state, then relaxed completely, and finally came to rest over her own heart.

There, a heart was beating.

Fast—so fast it felt like it might leap out of her chest, straight into his hands.

Even though she had already made her decision, she had still felt a lingering unease.

Not from regret, but because Gu Chengyin already had Lin Qingyan now.

And if he so wished, he could have Cui Zilu at any moment as well.

So Shangguan Yunying’s anxiety had been about how Gu Chengyin would treat her after she made her choice.

But now, she was no longer uneasy.

Because she was certain now—no matter what kind of person she became,

she would always be the one Gu Chengyin loved most.

Including the person she was now. And truly, the one who had been wrong all along—

no, the one who had been making mistakes all along—was her, Shangguan Yunying.

Gu Chengyin had never done anything wrong. Even the hypnosis of Luo Zhao

had been a helpless act taken when there was no other choice.

That couldn’t be blamed on him!

She could only blame herself for being too foolish, for taking too long to see the truth.

Gu Chengyin watched Shangguan Yunying like this, and the amusement in his eyes deepened.

Although he had indeed intended to win more favor before she spoke her heart,

this time he was sincere. Since Shangguan Yunying was genuinely devoted to him,

he would naturally be genuinely devoted to her in return.

But his voice suddenly changed, and he shifted his tone:

“Later, because the situation was unclear, I said we needed to face things more soberly.”

Gu Chengyin’s voice dropped, his gaze fixed on Shangguan Yunying’s face as he said earnestly:

“But that was then. This is not then anymore.”

“So, Yunying...”

Gu Chengyin’s words trailed off.

A soft, delicate finger lightly pressed against his lips.

Gu Chengyin was briefly startled, then looked at the woman before him.

Shangguan Yunying sat in his arms.

Her eyes curved into beautiful crescents, filled with gentle yet unwavering resolve.

Her voice was as soft as a night breeze brushing against a zither’s strings, every word clear and distinct, just as it had been that night.

“Gu Chengyin.”

Once again, she called his full name so naturally.

“I understand what you mean.”

“The me from then understood. The me now understands too.”

Shangguan Yunying’s tone was calm and clear-sighted. Now she finally saw through everything:

“It’s just that back then, I was His Highness’s chief female attendant, and you were His Highness’s trusted deacon.”

Her voice suddenly shifted.

Not mournful, not nostalgic—like she was stating a fact she had long accepted.

“And now, I am still His Highness’s chief female attendant, but you are no longer that Deacon Gu from before.”

Her voice grew very soft, soft as a falling leaf.

But that leaf did not fall to the ground—it landed on her heart.

Shangguan Yunying spoke the truth. She was still the chief female attendant, but Gu Chengyin was no longer the Deacon Gu she had needed to guard against.

He was the Grand Tutor to the Heir Apparent, the future Minister of Rites, the core of the crown prince’s faction, Lin Qingyan’s man, and the one Cui Zilu wished to marry.

And she was still just the chief female attendant.

From beginning to end, she was Luo Zhao’s chief female attendant.

She belonged to Luo Zhao, not Gu Chengyin.

“But love did not scatter with the wind.”

“It should have come to fruition that night.”

Shangguan Yunying leaned forward slightly, the distance between them now close enough to feel each other’s breath.

Her voice suddenly turned a little choked.

Not from sadness, but because she was thinking of that night.

Under the moonlight, the Shangguan residence, the courtyard, her and him.

No Luo Zhao, no Lin Qingyan, no Cui Zilu, no Gu Xiaoli.

Only Gu Chengyin and Shangguan Yunying.

Shangguan Yunying remembered the sound of Gu Chengyin saying “I truly do like you.”

She remembered her own blushing, racing heart, and how that night she could have had him—yet chose to let go.

She remembered that night she had regretted countless times, that night she revisited in her deepest hours every single time.

“I have already missed too many chances.”

Shangguan Yunying’s tears fell again.

But this time, she didn’t wipe them away, didn’t hide, didn’t bury her face in his chest.

She simply lifted her head, looked at him, and let the tears stream down her cheeks, drop by drop.

They landed on Gu Chengyin, leaving small, darkened marks on his clothes.

Her lips trembled, her eyelashes trembled, her fingers trembled, her whole body trembled.

But her eyes never blinked, staring straight at Gu Chengyin.

As if to say: Look at me. Listen to me. This is what I need to say.

These words are important. You must not miss a single one.

“So... I don’t want to be the chief female attendant anymore.”

Shangguan Yunying’s voice suddenly became very calm, calm like she was stating a decision she had already made.

A decision that needed no one else’s approval, only hers alone.

“I just want to be Shangguan Yunying.”

“Your Shangguan Yunying—and only yours.”

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