The Shadow of "Her" · The Hole in "His" Heart (Part 2)

Although Su Ling was very understanding and didn't pry endlessly, Lu Qing actually had a deep aversion to a certain topic.

It was a dark memory buried in the depths of his heart.

— About "Lin-chan."

...

...

Once upon a time, he used to follow some "Zoujian" on the Bilibili platform.

This ancient term has probably long been forgotten, even by those within the community.

What is Zoujian?

It's quite easy to understand.

Since everyone has heard of "Changjian" (vocalists), "Zoujian" is similar—referring to content creators who specialize in instrumental performances.

In essence, they are musicians.

[Very skilled musicians.]

Back then, when Lu Qing had just started learning to play the instrument, he was still a naive child.

His favorite thing after school every day was to hold a phone, wear a cheap pair of headphones, and obsessively scroll through Bilibili videos, watching those dazzling master Zoujians perform extremely difficult pieces with grace.

Songs like "Six Trillion Years and One Night Story," "Departure's Overcoat," and "Tokyo Teddy Bear," when played on electric instruments or acoustic guitars, would fill him with an indescribable sense of excitement.

The illness,

probably began to take root at this time.

The first time he went to see a doctor.

Doctor Yan, the deputy director of the psychological clinic at the Third Affiliated Hospital of a Medical University, said:

"Young man, your condition isn't too severe. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You just have some psychological issues that need to be adjusted in time. For now, I can prescribe some antidepressants for you, but they do have certain side effects. I hope you can bring your parents next time to consider this matter carefully."

That year, Lu Qing was in the second year of middle school.

"Do I have a disease?"

"Can I be depressed?"

[Although I feel that I'm always in a bad mood and emotionally low, which is why I came to see a psychologist, it doesn't mean I'm willing to admit that I'm sick.]

Don't lie to me.

Quack.

— This was the young Lu Qing's thought at the time.

But undeniably, over the following period, the feeling of distress became increasingly unbearable.

The fear of being surrounded by loneliness, with no one to confide in,

was like a diver who had lost their oxygen tank in the deep sea,

watching helplessly as death slowly opened its arms towards him, gently calling.

But Lu Qing refused to give in.

He couldn't give in.

Even if he didn't take the medication.

He wouldn't admit that he was sick.

— "I'm already very unclear-headed, and I absolutely can't take those toxic drugs with full side effects. I need to cherish the time I still have to control my life. I can heal myself. I will get better. Definitely."

Lu Qing wanted to seize the "clear-headed time" and do something meaningful.

"I won't give up."

The young Lu Qing was stubborn.

Since he had never been cared for by his father since childhood, his stubbornness was unshakable.

Doctor Yan's words were treated as mere background noise, and even the crucial advice, "If you find your condition worsening, come back for a follow-up immediately," was completely forgotten.

He didn't want to be controlled by any external factors, unless—

unless those words were spoken softly by the neighbor's big sister.

[If the big sister said it, then no matter what, I would follow her advice.]

Later.

Lu Qing came up with a solution.

A solution that "seemed" could cure himself and alleviate his symptoms.

This thing,

didn't need a doctor,

didn't need external forces,

and certainly didn't need to take those "toxic drugs" he had deemed.

This thing,

"I can achieve it with my own hands."

Thus, "recording" began.

Recording his life.

Recording his journey.

Recording everything he could still control before completely losing his memory.

For this purpose, he bought a phone with higher pixel quality,

took photos of himself playing the instrument, and recorded audio of his practice sessions.

Every sleepless night,

he would listen to the songs he had played, and smile emptily.

Early on, there were songs like Oshio's "Wind Song" and Kishibe's "Flowing Clouds," which felt quite therapeutic, although simple, they at least had a soothing effect that helped him sleep.

Later,

as he grew older and his skills improved, so did his equipment.

Even the masters he followed changed to a new generation.

Lu Qing began to record songs that were more niche and professional—

Goh Goto's "Blue Bird" (a song of redemption), Okapi's "Anger" (a song for venting anger), GIN's "Cherry Blossom of Desire" (a song that soothes/intensifies emo feelings), and Yuki Matsui's "Friend" (a song that imagines having friends).

Completely mastered, completely proficient.

Then, a sudden change occurred.

He started playing the electric guitar and dabbled in arranging music.

The end of middle school marked the beginning of high school—

Michiya Haruhata's tender "A Song for Love," Andy's tribute to a deceased neighbor girl "Rylynn," Tommy's warm "Angelina" dedicated to his daughter, Ichika's tapping showcase "I Miss U," and Mateus Asato's avant-garde "Kyoto Jam."

He had become stronger, but also more obsessive.

He finally realized,

— "Severe loneliness" seemed to be more suited to the path of "music."

[Resisting loneliness, adapting to loneliness, being devoured by loneliness, and then falling into loneliness again.]

When you can't escape "loneliness,"

why not truly "coexist with it,"

open your heart, and enjoy loneliness.

Lu Qing's mindset was such,

thus,

[His playing skills improved.]

Focusing on "playing in loneliness," using loneliness to go further.

When he finally gained his own recognition and mastered about "thirty moves" of supreme skill,

at this juncture,

finally,

he encountered a knife's edge resembling redemption.

— Met new "teammates."

Unfortunately.

Alas.

Happiness is always fleeting.

After all, that period of time had been completely torn apart by a predetermined ending.

"What is it like to be abandoned by your 'teammates'?"

Lu Qing once posted such a question on the software "Zhihu."

The netizens responded with jokes, completely unaware of the meaning behind his "teammates."

It couldn't be helped, as he hadn't made it clear and was too weak to explain. Some thought it referred to game teammates, others to sports team members,

so the answers were slightly hurtful, but he didn't care.

Just like a zombie, after being wounded all over,

he received a message from "Lin-chan."

That must have been a late night?

[Hello, senior... I've been following you for a long time, and I really like your works! I wanted to ask... If a girl wants to learn electric instruments, which one would you recommend?]

The past regrets, the past gaps.

The holes in his heart, wanting someone to fill them.

Needed someone to fill them.

Even if in the end,

regret turned into guilt.

Guilt so deep that he didn't dare to open the private messages,

didn't dare to face that girl again.

"Learn Bass."

Learn the bass.

— [Because the girl he once most admired was an unreachable ACG bassist.]

She was close at hand, now far away.

With her long black hair, she swayed gently while playing, like a beautiful and unattainable elf in the dark night.

Soulful performances were rare in Lu Qing's musical career, even countable.

Yet she,

after entering his life,

flew away on a plane during the cherry blossom season, heading to Japan.

— "TSM Music Academy."

...

"Will you take the path of music?"

"Lu Qing, you're quite suited to be a P-producer, aren't you?"

"Want to study arranging music?"

"You always like to rearrange solos, rearrange advanced chords, it seems you have that potential."

"Oh right, my favorite P-producer is n-buna, I recommend him to you. Before he debuts, follow him early?"

"Lu Qing, I might get ahead of you."

"Keep it up, maybe we can play together again someday."

...

"Yeah, studying abroad isn't that great, after all, friends aren't around."

"Recently too busy, really don't have time to check my phone. Sorry."

"..."

[You have not added each other as friends, please add each other as friends before sending a message.]

...

...