I Just Got Born, and You Want Me to Divorce and Turn My Life Around

(Disclaimer: The system in this book makes infrequent appearances and serves purely to drive the plot forward. Read at your own discretion if this bothers you.)

Chen Zhi was woken up by a baby's crying.

Chen Zhi felt as if the noise was vibrating his brain into scrambled eggs.

He snapped his eyes open, ready to hunt down whichever obnoxious colleague was blasting cringy videos on speakerphone at their cubicle in the middle of the night.

But the sight that greeted him wasn't his cramped cubicle.

The air was thick with the harsh stench of disinfectant, mingled with the faint, sweet scent of milk.

Out of habit, Chen Zhi tried to raise a hand to rub his temples.

The moment he lifted his arm, he realized something was terribly wrong.

What entered his field of vision wasn't his large hand, plagued by carpal tunnel from years of typing.

It was a chubby, pale, and stubby little arm that looked like a section of lotus root.

Chen Zhi froze.

He tried to move his fingers.

Five pitifully tiny digits clumsily grasped at the air.

Where was he?

Did he drop dead from working overtime?

Or was this just another pipe-dream hallucination induced by his ruthless boss?

Before he could make sense of this absurd reality, a translucent, pale blue panel suddenly popped up in front of his eyes.

[Age 18: You barely scraped into a third-rate private college with the lowest grades in your school. Tuition was twenty-eight thousand, living expenses eight hundred. You vowed to outwork your roommates, but after four years, aside from hitting the King tier in Honor of Kings, you achieved absolutely nothing. Graduation equaled unemployment.]

Chen Zhi looked at this line of text, his mouth twitching.

This system had quite a sharp tongue.

[Age 20: You joined an e-commerce startup. The boss called you a founding pillar of the company, but in reality, you were an all-purpose corporate slave. You were the video editor, the operations manager, and the accountant. Even when the cleaning lady took a day off, you were the one mopping the floors. Monthly salary: three thousand five hundred. Perfect attendance bonus: two hundred and fifty.]

[Age 25: The company's annual revenue hit ten million. The boss upgraded to a Porsche, the boss's wife upgraded to an Hermes bag, and the boss's brother-in-law upgraded to the new department manager. You upgraded to thicker eyeglass lenses and heavier dark circles.]

Chen Zhi wanted to curse, but when he opened his mouth, all that came out was a single-syllable babble.

[Age 30: Your parents threatened suicide to force your hand. You compromised. Blind dates led to a flash marriage. A bride price of three hundred and eighty-eight thousand drained your parents' retirement fund. With a down payment of one and a half million, you, barely thirty, took on a thirty-year mortgage. Car loan: two hundred thousand. Looking at the double-digit balance in your bank account, you felt like a salted fish thoroughly marinated by the bitterness of life.]

[Age 32: Your child was born. The wailing of your little money-guzzling beast and the roaring of your boss became your daily duet. Desperate for baby formula money, you volunteered for overtime, turning your 9am-to-9pm, six-days-a-week schedule into a 24/7 grind.]

[Age 38: The economy took a downturn, and the company laid people off. The boss patted your shoulder, said "farewell, my friend," and then immediately had security watch you pack your belongings. You went home to find a divorce agreement sitting on the table. Your house was foreclosed on due to missed payments, and your car was seized to pay off debts. You spent the entire night shivering on a rooftop, pondering the meaning of life.]

Chen Zhi was utterly shocked. Before his rebirth, he had only just found a job and hadn't even passed his probation period yet. He never expected his future to be this miserable.

Thank goodness.

Chen Zhi took a deep breath, filling his lungs with fresh air.

Thank goodness he had reincarnated early.

None of that had happened yet.

As long as he refused to work hard, no boss would ever be able to exploit him.

[Match Successful: Thirty years on the east bank, thirty years on the west bank, never bully a middle-aged man for being poor — The Divorce Counterattack System.]

[Proceed to bind?]

Chen Zhi stared at the system's name, lost in thought.

Divorce Counterattack System?

He looked down at his lower half, which was currently wrapped in a diaper.

Was there something seriously wrong with this system?

He hadn't even gotten married yet. Hell, he hadn't even grown teeth yet! What on earth was he supposed to divorce?

Struggling, Chen Zhi swung his chubby, lotus-root-like little hand and fiercely smacked the word "Yes" floating in the void.

[Binding Successful!]

[Novice Quest Issued: Although your marriage was a failure, your luck with women has never run dry. Your childhood sweetheart, whom you lost contact with twenty years ago, has reappeared. Her beauty remains unchanged, but her eyes are brimming with tears.]

[Quest Objective: Listen to your childhood sweetheart's sorrowful woes.]

[Quest Reward: A 1000-yuan Walmart gift card.]

Looking at the reward section, Chen Zhi almost laughed out loud.

A Walmart gift card?

Giving a nursing infant a gift card?

What, was he supposed to push his own stroller down the aisles on a shopping spree?

Not only was the system's name completely absurd, but its rewards were also bizarrely practical.

But wait, childhood sweetheart?

Chen Zhi's attention was drawn to the source of the noise right next to him.

With great effort, he turned his head.

In the crib lying side-by-side with his, there was a tiny creature crying so hard its face was red and its neck was bulging.

Was this the so-called childhood sweetheart?

Chen Zhi searched his mind for any memories regarding a "childhood sweetheart."

Lin Wanwan.

The future superstar who would shine radiantly on television screens, the one who could top trending searches just by posting a casual selfie?

In his previous life, Chen Zhi had only ever seen her on TV and billboards.

Back in middle school, his father's business had gone bankrupt, forcing his family to move away, and the two of them had lost contact.

Chen Zhi squinted, sizing up the present-day Lin Wanwan.

Her skin was all wrinkled, making her look like a little red monkey.

With her mouth gaping wide as she wailed, there wasn't the slightest hint of the future national goddess she would become.

Truly ugly.

The crying continued, incredibly piercing.

Chen Zhi could feel his eardrums protesting.

[Listen to your childhood sweetheart's woes]

This quest was simple enough. Wasn't he listening to it right now?

Her woes were nothing but "Waaah! Waaah!"

She was probably complaining about her poor reincarnation luck, or maybe she despised the hospital's air quality.

The noise was giving Chen Zhi a splitting headache.

He had to make her shut up.

He assessed the situation.

The two cribs were pushed right up against each other.

Lin Wanwan's mouth was open like a gaping black hole.

And right next to her pillow lay a pacifier.

Chen Zhi took a deep breath, centering his energy.

He began to gather his strength.

Rolling over.

This was highly technical work.

For a newborn infant, rolling over was a feat comparable to scaling Mount Everest.

Chen Zhi's face flushed red as he engaged all four of his limbs.

One heave. Two heaves.

Finally, his center of gravity shifted.

He successfully managed to roll onto his side.

He was only five centimeters away from the target.

Chen Zhi stretched his arm out as far as it would go, his chubby little hand grasping at the empty air.

Got it!

He firmly grabbed hold of the pacifier.

Gritting his gums, Chen Zhi used every ounce of strength in his tiny body to shove the pacifier right into that noisy "black hole."

With a soft "pop,"

The world fell blissfully silent.

Lin Wanwan's wailing ceased abruptly.

She instinctively began to suck on the pacifier, blinking her large eyes a couple of times, teardrops still clinging to her eyelashes.

She seemed confused as to why there was suddenly milk to drink.

Chen Zhi let out a long sigh of relief and collapsed limply onto his mattress.

That amount of physical exertion was more exhausting than pulling three days of consecutive overtime in his past life.

Just then, the door to the hospital room was pushed open.

A man in a thoroughly wrinkled shirt peeked his head in before sneaking into the room.

Chen Zhi cast a sideways glance.

Chen Jun.

His old man—a guy who always wore a stern expression on a daily basis, but was actually hopelessly henpecked.

Right now, Chen Jun's hair was a mess, and he wore the guilty expression of a thief who had just been caught.

The moment he stepped inside, a pungent stench of tobacco drifted into the room.

Chen Zhi wrinkled his nose in disgust.

Sure enough, his dad had sneaked out for a smoke.

"Oh my, is my precious son awake?"

Chen Jun wanted to lean over the crib, but hesitated, afraid that the lingering smoke on his clothes would choke the two babies.

As he stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do, a hand suddenly reached in from behind him and grabbed him by the ear.

"Chen Jun! You heartless bastard!"

Zhang Guifang's voice was even more piercing than Lin Wanwan's wailing.

Chen Zhi felt his scalp go numb.

This was his biological mother.

A former bank teller, her speed at counting money was directly proportional to her speed at scolding people.

"I just went to do my postpartum rehabilitation for a bit and asked you to watch the kids, and you snuck out to smoke?"

Zhang Guifang's eyebrows shot up in anger as she pointed right at Chen Jun's nose and let him have it.

"Both children are right here! If anything happens to them, can you afford to take responsibility? Huh?"

Lin Jing, who was following behind, was much gentler, but she also wore a look of disapproval.

"Lao Chen, this is a hospital. The babies' respiratory tracts are delicate; they can't be breathing in cigarette smoke."

Lin Jing walked over to Lin Wanwan's crib, originally intending to pick up her daughter.

But upon seeing the scene, she was stunned.

"Huh?"

Zhang Guifang also stopped her scolding and leaned in.

"What's wrong?"

The two mothers, along with a father whose ears were red from being pulled, fixed all six of their eyes on the cribs.

They saw the two small cribs pushed together.

Chen Zhi was lying on his side, one small hand still resting on the railing of the neighboring crib, maintaining that stuffing posture.

Meanwhile, Lin Wanwan had a pacifier in her mouth, sucking on it with great relish, her big eyes staring fixedly at Chen Zhi.

The scene was incredibly harmonious.

Even a little sweet.

"Oh my!"

Lin Jing covered her mouth, stars practically popping out of her eyes.

"This is just too cute! Was my Wanwan crying just now? Did Xiao Zhi put the pacifier in her mouth?"

Zhang Guifang was delighted too, her previous anger vanishing into thin air in an instant.

"Look, look! I told you these two kids are destined for each other! We set up an arranged marriage for them while they were still in the womb, and look, he already knows how to dote on his future wife right after being born!"

She patted Chen Jun on the shoulder triumphantly.

"He takes after me! His emotional intelligence comes from me! Not like you, you block of wood!"

Chen Jun rubbed his ear, chuckling sheepishly.

"Yes, yes, yes, he takes after you, it's all from you."

The three adults surrounded the cribs, letting out doting, auntie-like laughter.

Hearing all this, Chen Zhi rolled his eyes inwardly.

Doting on his future wife?

It was because he found her too noisy!

The overactive imaginations of these adults would be wasted if they didn't go write novels.

And what the hell was this about an arranged marriage?

How come he hadn't heard anything about this in his past life?

Feeling helpless, Chen Zhi tried to pull his hand back.

He had exerted too much force earlier, and now his arm was a little sore.

As he moved, he happened to meet Chen Jun's gaze.

Chen Jun had been smiling too.

But as he looked at his son's little face, his smile gradually froze.

That expression...

How should he put it?

It didn't look like an expression a newborn baby should have.

It was three parts resignation, three parts ridicule, and four parts utter indifference.

The disgust shining through those eyes was actually more obvious than the look his boss gave him when reviewing a report he had spent a week writing.

Chen Jun's heart skipped a beat.

It must be an illusion, right?

This was a nursing infant who had only been born a few days ago.

Why did he look like an old man who had seen through the mortal world?

Chen Jun couldn't help but lean in closer, wanting to get a better look.

Seeing his old man's large face leaning in, the stubble threatening to poke his own face, Chen Zhi reacted.

The smell of smoke was even stronger now.

He unceremoniously turned his head to the side, leaving his biological father with nothing but the round back of his head.

[Task completed.]

[Reward: 1000 yuan Walmart gift card has been issued.]

The system's notification sound chimed in at just the right moment.

Chen Jun stood frozen in place, rubbing his nose.

"Honey..."

"What is it?" Zhang Guifang was busy teasing Lin Wanwan.

"Did our son just... roll his eyes at me?"

"Get out of here! How could such a small baby know how to roll his eyes? I think the smoke has blinded you!"

Zhang Guifang didn't even turn her head back, continuing to poke Lin Wanwan's little cheek with her finger.

"Aww, Wanwan is so well-behaved. Do you want to be our Xiao Zhi's wife when you grow up?"

Lin Wanwan spat out the pacifier and let out a giggle.

As if in response.